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the Acts and Pages of


a guide for fans of
the web adventure

documented by

Rafe Saltman

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art and excerpts
from Homestuck

© 2009-2016

Andrew Hussie

Act 1

Act 2

Act 3


Act 4















Act 7

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Homestuck Part 1

Spoilers ahead!

Act 1

“The Note Desolation Plays”

Page 1901  Page 1934 Page 1982 Page 2026 Page 2086 Page 2114

John, Rose, Dave, and Jade are online friends. On John’s thirteenth birthday, the kids play a game that takes them and their guardians to a set of fantastic worlds called the Medium. They are challenged to work together, kill monsters, learn punch-card alchemy, and build their houses up to the heavenly orb of Skaia.

In their dreams, John and Jade have dreamselves that live on Prospit, which neighbours and defends Skaia. Rose and Dave’s dreamselves live on Derse, which attacks Skaia from beyond the Veil, an asteroid belt.

Archagent Jack Noir of Derse emerges as the villain of the game after killing his own queen and king and terrorizing the Battlefield in Skaia. The key to Noir’s rise, and at one point the only check on his power, is a heavily-armed robot bunny siezed by Derse on its way from Jade to John.

Jack Noir defeats Prospit, kills Dream Jade, and shoots meteors at Skaia.

Skaia sends the meteors through portals to strike Earth instead. The redirected meteors cause a Reckoning that wipes out life on Earth. But the portals also send people to different times on Earth: paradox-cloned babies who grow up to be the kids and their ancestors before the Reckoning, a group of exiles after the Reckoning, and a doglike First Guardian who is now Jade’s pet.

Some strangers have been trolling the kids, claiming to be from another universe and another game session. These trolls say they have seen that the kids will fail and die.

In the Intermission, Spades Slick and the Midnight Crew fight their rivals The Felt. The Midnight Crew turn out to be exiles from the trolls’ game.

By the end of Part 1, Jade still hasn’t entered the Medium and the kids still don’t know the point of the game.

Act 2

“Raise of the Conductors Baton”

Page 2148  Page 2209 Page 2288 Page 2322 Page 2359 Page 2395
Page 2433 Page 2507 Page 2535 Page 2565 Page 2621

Act 3

“Insane Corkscrew Haymakers”

Page 2659  Page 2697 Page 2759 Page 2792 Page 2842 Page 2875
Page 2905 Page 2947 Page 2981 Page 3000 Page 3029


“Don’t Bleed on the Suits.”

Page 3054  Page 3088 Page 3136 Page 3167 Page 3195 Page 3224

Act 4

“Flight of the Paradox Clones”

Page 3258  Page 3307 Page 3354 Page 3404 Page 3456 Page 3500
Page 3568 Page 3597 Page 3652 Page 3701 Page 3751
Page 3765 Page 3790 Page 3802 Page 3822 Page 3840

Part 1 by date posted
datepagescenes and eventsadventure log
April 13 2009 1

Act 1.

Who is this young man?

John Egbert examines his room.


Enter name.

Try again.

Examine room.

John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.


John: Quickly retrieve arms from MAGIC CHEST.

John: Examine contents of chest.

John: Captchalogue smoke pellets.

John: Equip fake arms.

John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster.

John: Read note on drawer.

John: Take poster.

John: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy.

John: Take nails.

John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

April 14 2009 17

John puts up his new Little Monsters poster.

John: Combine the nails and hammer.

John: Use hammer/nails on poster.

John: Nail poster to wall.

John: Examine Con Air poster.

John: Examine Deep Impact poster.

John: Examine calendar.

John: Eat cake.

April 15 2009 24

Dave pesters John about loot and apple juice.

John: Examine incoming message.

John: Open Pesterchum.

John: Open message.

John: Look out window.

John: Examine mailbox.

John: Go outside and check mailbox.

John: Forget it. Check mail later.

April 16 2009 31

Pseudogame 1: Computer Games.

Dave pesters John about data structures.

John selects the hammerkind specibus.

John: Examine games on CD rack.


John: Captchalogue fake arms again.

John: Set Pesterchum status to "bully".

John: Answer chum.

John: Combine fake arms with cake.

John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus.

John: Select "HAMMER".

John: Report progress to TG.

April 17 2009 40

John acquires Sassacre’s Daunting Text and reads Game Bro.

John: Captchalogue Colonel's big book.

John: Examine GameBro Magazine.

John: Read article.

John: Captchalogue GameBro.

April 18 2009 44

John makes a mess in the living room.

John: Captchalogue magician's hat.

John: Get funny glasses too.

John: Wear disguise to fool dad.

John: Leave room.

John: Go downstairs.

John: Admire harlequins.

John: Examine fireplace.

John: Toss GameBro into fire.

John: Fondly regard cremation.

John: Topple urn.

John: Combine father's pipe with clever disguise.

John: Examine oversized gift.

John: Open large present.

April 19 2009 57

John attaches fake arms to his gift harlequin.

Rose pesters him about Sburb.

John: Captchalogue ashes.

John: Combine ashes with urn.

John: Put urn back.

John: Go get fake arms again.

John: Examine 3rd and 4th walls of room.

John: Check Pesterchum.

John: Check message.

John: Go back downstairs.

John: Attach arms to doll.

April 20 2009 66

John cleans up.

John: Inspect burnt paper on the floor.

John: Throw present wrap in fire.

John: Captchalogue doll.

John: Read Colonel Sassacre's text.

John: Find dad and retrieve mail.

April 21 2009 71

John examines the study.

Cinematic 1: Piano Refrain.

John: Go in the study.

John: Examine father's desk.

John: Upgrade costume with hat from hat rack.

John: Combine second pipe with clever disguise.

John: Examine captchalogue card.

John: Captchalogue captchalogue card.

[S] John: Play haunting piano refrain.

April 22 2009 78

John makes a mess in the study.

John: Play 52 Pick-Up.

John: Attempt to leave the house.

April 23 2009 80

John checks the mailbox too late; his dad already has the mail.

John: Exit.

John: Check mail.

April 24 2009 82

Cinematic 2: Homestuck.

The doll loses an arm.

[S] ==>


John: Leave a surprise for the mailman.

John: See if your father left the mail in the car.

John: Spy in the kitchen.

John: Go back into the kitchen.

April 27 2009 88

Cinematic 3: Dad’s Domain.

[S] John: Enter.


April 28 2009 90

Pseudogame 2: Strife with Dad.


April 29 2009 91

Dad lavishes John with baked goods.

John: Retrieve the package and flee to your room!

John: Equip disguise for defense.

John: Captachalogue pie tin.


John: Take the cake!


April 30 2009 97

John makes his getaway.

John: Abscond.

John: Take PDA.

John: Take package.

John: Take envelope.

John: Exit kitchen.

May 1 2009 102

John smushes his whole Sylladex into one big cake.

John: Get cake on couch.

John: Combine the cakes to make a double decker cake.

May 2 2009 104

John makes a mess in the bathroom.

John: Retreat upstairs!

John: Go to bathroom and grab a towel.

John: Remove PDA, envelope and package from cake.

John: Retrieve your items.

John: Go to bedroom.

May 3 2009 109

Dave pesters John about terrible movie stars.

John: Admire "Failure to Launch" poster.

[S] John: Check Pesterchum.

May 4 2009 111

John checks MSPA’s Midnight Crew adventure.

John: Open browser and go to


May 5 2009 113

John installs Sburb and finds a Queue Modus.

John: Install the Sburb beta.


John: Bone up on data structures.

John: Read Data Structures book.

John: Get free Fetch Modus.

John: Apply Fetch Modus to Sylladex.

May 6 2009 119

John makes a mess in his room.

John: Switch back to Stack Modus.

John: Put down razor.

John: Pick up two items.

John: Get other cake.

John: Get more stuff.

John: Might as well grab those cuffs.


May 7 2009 126

John makes a mess in the street.

John: Open up that package!

John: Get razor.

John: Pick up package again.

John: Captchalogue glass shards.


May 8 2009 131

John opens Dave’s gift. It is the plush bunny from Con Air.

John: Use the razor on the red package.


John: Check status of Sburb beta.

May 9 2009 134

Rose pesters John to play Sburb with her.

Cinematic 4: Sburb.

John: Look at monitor.

John: Check Pesterchum window.

John: Press [ENTER]

[S] ==>

May 12 2009 138

Silent film 1: Zoom Out.

Rose makes a mess on the roof.

John finds the Stack Modus.


TT: Select magic chest.

TT: Zoom out.

TT: Drop chest.

John: Get the card.


TT: Select stuff in yard and move it back into room.

TT: Select John.

TT: Select bunny.

TT: Put the bunny back in the box.

May 14 2009 148

Rose deploys the Totem Lathe.

TT: Revise room.


TT: Open Phernalia Registry.

TT: Deploy Totem Lathe.

John: Examine Totem Lathe.

TT: Open Grist Cache


John: Stand in corner.

May 15 2009 156

Rose deploys the Cruxtruder and Alchemiter.

TT: Deploy Cruxtruder.

TT: Deploy Alchemiter.

John: Get PDA.

John: Install Pesterchum.

John: Go out to balcony.

John: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.

May 16 2009 162

Rose uproots the toilet.

John: Look through telescope.

TT: Grab the soiled toilet.


John: Investigate.

May 17 2009 166

Jade’s dreambot pesters John.

Rose royally screws the bathroom.

John: Hop down the hole.

John: Get sledgehammer and card.


John: Answer chum.

John: Might as well check out the Cruxtruder.


May 18 2009 172

Rose makes a mess in the hallway.

John: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.

TT: Put bathtub in driveway.

John: Scold TT.

John: Hit Cruxtruder with sledgehammer.

May 19 2009 176

Silent film 2: The Lid Comes Off.

Rose and John pop the Cruxtruder open, releasing a kernelsprite.

John maims the harlequin doll.

TT: Pick up sledgehammer.



John: Turn wheel again.

John: Get cruxite.

TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card.

John: Get card.

John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins.


May 20 2009 185

Rose drops the doll into the sprite.

TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite.

May 21 2009 186

Cinematic 5: Harlequin Sprite.

John and Rose test the Alchemiter.

[S] ==>


John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter.

TT: Explore Atheneum.

John: Captchalogue telescope.

John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter.



May 22 2009 194

John spots a meteorite bearing down on his house.

John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky.




John: High-five Kernelsprite.

May 23 2009 199

Dad returns from the store.

Dave pesters John about flighty broads and space rocks.

John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist.


TT: Revise bathroom.


John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum.

John: Answer chums.

May 25 2009 205

After perpetrating the Perfect Crime, Rose disconnects again.

John tests the Totem Lathe.

John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe.

John: Take cruxite to totem lathe.



John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe.

John: Activate lathe.




May 26 2009 214

Who is this young lady?


May 28 2009 215

Rose Lalonde examines her room.

Cinematic 6: Violin Refrain.

Enter name.

One more time.

Examine room.

Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box.

Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed.

Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...'

Rose: Get violin.

[S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin.

May 30 2009 223

Rose considers her next move.

John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact.

Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag.

Rose: Look out window.

Rose: Get laptop.

May 31 2009 227

Rose takes the Grimoire.

Rose: Examine book on desk.

Rose: Take book.

June 1 2009 229

Rose sneaks around the house.

Rose: Go explore the house.

Rose: Tiptoe to observatory.


Rose: Sneak by.


June 2 2009 234

Rose hurries up to the observatory.

Rose: Go through door.

Rose: Hurry up to that observatory.

June 3 2009 236

Rose makes a mess in the observatory.

Rose: Try to connect!

June 4 2009 237

Rose reconnects.

Rose: See what you can observe.

Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation.

Rose: Access laboratory wifi network.


Rose: Remove door from hinges.

June 5 2009 242

Rose clears the way to the Alchemiter.

Rose: Put bathtub back.

John: Take totem to alchemiter.

Rose: Remove blocks.


June 7 2009 246

Cinematic 7: The Meteor.


[S] John: Take bite of apple.


June 9 2009 248

Act 2.

A Wayward Vagabond records a stuttering step in the sun-bleached dust.

Years in the future, but not many...

June 10 2009 249

Rose writes a GameFAQs walkthrough.

ACT 2 ==>

June 11 2009 250

Cinematic 8: The Medium.

[S] ==>

June 12 2009 251

Silent film 3: The Kernel Hatches.



June 13 2009 253

Minigame 1: The House.


June 15 2009 254

Rose pesters John about the meteor strike.




June 16 2009 257

They retrieve the PDA.

Who is this voice in John’s head?





I SEE. ==>?










June 17 2009 271

It’s the Vagabond. He has found a station with a console monitoring John’s progress.

Years in the future, but not many...

June 18 2009 272

Rose explains punch card alchemy in her walkthrough.


June 19 2009 273

Rose considers her next move.


Rose: Check status of battery.

June 20 2009 275

The harlequin sprite thwarts Rose and John’s attempts at tier 2 prototyping, absorbing Nanna’s ashes instead.

Rose: Prototype sprite with Betty Crocker box.



Rose: Prototype sprite with Sassacre text.





Rose: Remove cruxtruder from doorway.



June 22 2009 286

Dave pesters John about Armageddon.

Rose drops the car mid-lift when her laptop loses power. It plummets into the abyss, parking illegally somewhere under the clouds.





Rose: Pick up car.


June 23 2009 292

Jade’s dreambot pesters John about meteors.

John sends Dave to get a copy of Sburb.





June 24 2009 296

Rose selects the Needlekind Specibus.

Rose: Knit laptop cozy to shield your laptop from the rain.

Rose: Equip grimoire to strife specibus.

Rose: Recaptchalogue your items!

Rose: Allocate knitting needles to strife specibus.


June 25 2009 301

Rose consults the Grimoire.

Rose: Knit plush cuddle-cthulhu to soothe nerves.

Rose: Consult the grimoire.




Rose: Take items and proceed downstairs.

June 26 2009 307

Cinematic 9: Symphony Impossible to Play.

[S] ==>

June 29 2009 308

Who is this cool kid?

Rose: Confront mother in hall.


Enter name.

Try again.

Examine room.

June 30 2009 313

Dave Strider examines his room.

Dave: Quickly retrieve arms from cinderblocks.

Dave: Get the damn beta and save your friend's life!

Dave: Bleat like a goat and piss on your turntable.


Dave: Examine closet.

Dave: Check the blue box.

Dave: Take box.

July 1 2009 320

Dave finds apple juice in his closet.

Dave: Examine jar of unknown yellow substance in the closet.

Dave: Take juice.

July 2 2009 322

Dave pesters John about loot and apple juice.

Dave: Access Pesterchum and pester John.



July 3 2009 325

Dave browses the web. Rose pesters him about hero worship and Sburb.

Later that day: John investigates a trail of crude.

Minigame 2: Dave’s Mixer.

Dave: Go online and view sites indicative of your interests.


Dave: Check the latest page of the Midnight Crew.

Midnight Crew.

Use Occam's Razor on plans and schemes.

SS: Climb ladder and exit hideout. Implement nefarious plots

Dave: Skip ahead a hundred pages or so.

Dave: Save your place, read it later.

Dave: Answer chum.


==> ??


Dave: Play some hauntingly sick beats.

[S] ==>

July 5 2009 339

Dave spills the apple juice on his turntables and Sburb copies.

Dave: Take sip of the apple juice, despite what John said.



Dave: Allocate sword to strife specibus.

Dave: Captchalogue sword.

July 6 2009 344

Dave finds a towel.

Dave: Get a towel or something!


July 7 2009 346

Dave mops up the juice and hangs the betas to dry.

Dave: Captchalogue damp towel.

Dave: Search the bathroom for something slightly less damp.

Dave: Take towel.

Dave: Clean up the juice.


July 8 2009 351

A rambunctious crow nabs the Sburb packages. Dave launches a sword, impaling the bird. It goes crashing out the window, still clutching the betas.

Dave: Turn off the fan.






July 9 2009 357

Later that day: Rose detests Zazzerpan the Learned.

Dave: Look out window.



July 11 2009 360

Rose examines the living room.

Rose: Psychoanalyze mother's love of wizards.

Rose: Go downstairs to the kitchen back door.

Rose: View Mother's solid copper vacuum statue.

Rose: Grab the Eldritch Princess.

Rose: Acquire umbrella for protection from elements.

July 12 2009 365

Rose examines the kitchen.

Rose: Peek inside kitchen.

Rose: Investigate richly colored object in middle of screen.




July 13 2009 370

Rose considers her next move. Mom surprises her.

Rose: Attach a W to face as a fake moustache.

Rose: Captchalogue W.


Rose: Think of ways to one-up mother.

Rose: Captchalogue velvet pillow.


Rose: Head out the back door.


July 15 2009 378

Youth Roll!

Rose: Hop over counter, landing in a roll.



July 16 2009 381

Earlier: Jade pesters Dave about birthday presents.

Later: Dave pesters John about monsters.

Meanwhile, in the past again.

Dave: Answer chum.

Dave: Get phone.





July 19 2009 388

Pseudogame 3: Strife with Mom.

[S] Rose: Youth roll right out the front door.

July 20 2009 389

Rose pats the stupid pony.

John reads the Data Structures book.


Rose: First, be the pony. Second, trample Mom.


July 22 2009 392

Pseudogame 4: Strife with the Shale Imp, Round One.


[S] ==>==>==>!!!!!!!!!

July 23 2009 394

Rose leaves the house.

Pseudogame 5: Strife with the Shale Imp, Round Two.

Rose: Exit.

Rose: Use umbrella.



July 24 2009 398

Rose braves the elements.

Rose: Forget the W and make haste to the mausoleum.


July 25 2009 400

Pseudogame 6: Strife with the Shale Imp, Final Round.


July 26 2009 401

John exults with the bunny.




THE BOX!!!!!!

July 27 2009 405

John levels up and adds Bunnykind to his strife portfolio.





July 28 2009 409

John repairs his Hammerkind abstratus.

Rose makes a mess in the tomb.





Rose: Hurry and activate the generator!

Rose: Defile tomb.

July 29 2009 415

Nannasprite pranks John.

Ambient 1: Prankster’s Gambit.

Rose: Plug in your laptop.




July 30 2009 419

Dave pesters Rose about his bro’s unnerving puppets.

Rose: Pester John.

July 31 2009 420

Nannasprite explains to John where he is now.



August 1 2009 422

Cinematic 10: Skaia.

Silent film 4: Stalemate.

[S] GO ON. ==>


August 2 2009 424

Silent film 5: The Game is Afoot.

Nannasprite poses “The Ultimate Riddle” and drifts away to bake cookies.

ME?? ==>







August 3 2009 431

The Vagabond’s tactless harangue gives John a fit.

Rose takes no sass from dead cats.

Rose: Hit John in the head with box to get his attention.



August 4 2009 434

The Vagabond unlocks a pantry in his station, releasing canned food and a book of etiquette.

Rose writes about prototyping.





FOR THE LAST TIME I COMMAnd you to get the cookies boy

Years in the future...


August 5 2009 441

Months prior: Jade pesters Rose about necromancy.

Months in the past, but not many...


August 7 2009 443

Cinematic 11: This Sick Heat.

Dave: Get katana.

[S] Dave: Retrieve dead bird.

Dave: Exit your room, and go into the living room.

August 9 2009 446

Dave ventures into Bro’s domain.

Dave: Hastily enter the room with wild abandon.


Dave: Pity da fool.

Dave: Find Lil' Cal and give fistbumps.

Dave: Play a game on the Xbox.


Dave: Resist great urge to play Bro's Xbox.

Dave: Give Lil' Cal a bro fistbump.


Dave: Check out your BRO's sweet gear.

August 10 2009 456

Dave gets on Bro’s computer.

Dave: Look at your brother's computer.


Dave: Open Complete Bullshit.

August 11 2009 459

Dave checks Complete Bullshit.

Dave: Check if Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff has a sweet update.

August 12 2009 460

Bro’s puppets and smuppets unsettle Dave.

Dave: Mouse over the orange stripe containing PlushRump.

Dave: Stop wasting time and look for Bro's beta.



Dave: Give Lil Cal a nervous fist bump.


August 13 2009 466

Rose deploys the Punch Designix for John.

Dave: Pester John to ease your nerves.



Dave: Pester Rose.

Seconds in the future, but not many...

Rose: Deploy the Punch Designix.

August 14 2009 472

John assesses the imp situation.



John: Rebuild the claw hammer and return it to specibus.

John: Confront Pogo Ride to prepare yourself for Nanna.

August 15 2009 476

Minigame 3: Pogo Ride.

[S] ==>

Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.


Rose: Use pogo ride to fling grist through window.


Rose: Drop pogo ride in John's bathroom.

John: Get grist.

Piano: Level up for slaying the imp.

August 16 2009 484

Rose builds John’s house upwards.

Rose: It's time to build.


Rose: Use build grist to construct observation tower on roof

John: Check cabinets for imps or useful items.

John: Bring 2 cans of shaving cream.

John: Ride pogo ride.


Rose: Check up on Nannaquin, see what's cookin'!


August 17 2009 493

John charges into glorious battle.

John: Make your way to the study.


John: Ride Slimer pogo and one-up that imp.

John: Ride your steed to victory.


August 18 2009 498

John falls and absconds to the study. Rose buys him time with a well-placed refrigerator.

John: Flip the fuck out.


mister john, respectfully ask that you please stand up.

now sir boy, flee from this boorish rabble post haste.


August 19 2009 503

The Vagabond, having gorged on the wisdom of Human Etiquette, returns with a polite request for John.

Rose drops the safe through the roof.

Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp.

well done, john. polite congratulations.

now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask

Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps.

john might i bother you for a can opener?


Years in the future...

August 20 2009 510

Rose adds screenshots to her walkthrough.


August 21 2009 511

Rose babysits John through another exile-induced fit.

Rose: Construct loft above John's room.



fellow john, it appears we have reached an impasse

the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately

but it has been a pleasure nonetheless.

oh, but thank you

thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate

i shall take my leave now john. until next time

August 22 2009 520

Dave pesters Rose about fluffy muppet buttock.

John examines the Punch Designix.

John: Gather grist, examine designix.


Rose: Answer Dave.

John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card.

John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus

August 23 2009 525

John learns how to turn captcha codes into punched cards.

John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card.

John: Insert card.

John: Type in nZ7Un6BI

John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card.

John: Mash keys heedlessly.




August 24 2009 533

Rose learns how to turn heavy objects into punched houses.





John: Answer your chums.

August 25 2009 538

John pesters Rose about shitty stairs and his father’s bedroom.



Rose: Move punched cards to John's room.

Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room.

August 27 2009 542

John examines the safe, finding an old Sassacre’s. He punches the code for a captchalogue card onto a captchalogued captchalogue card.

John: Collect grist, examine safe.

John: Examine family tome of humour.

John: Examine contents of safe.


John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall.

John: Turn the card over.

John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor.

John: Captchalogue the card.

John: Enter code on back of card into designix.

John: Punch card.

John: Throw hat down in disgust.

August 28 2009 553

John flails about with his newly diminished sylladex and levels up after crushing a hapless imp.

John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card.

John: Take PDA.

John: Level up!

August 29 2009 556

John tackles the precarious stairs.

Dave knows the drill with Bro.

Colonel Sassacre: Level up for slaying the imp.

Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp.

Safe: Level up for slaying the imp.

John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste.



Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta.

August 31 2009 563

Dave reads the Muppet Babies comic and loses patience with Bro’s ironies.

Dave: Take expensive ninja sword.

Dave: Exit your bro's room.



September 1 2009 567

Dave examines the kitchen. It is littered with awesome dangerous stuff.

Dave: Go into the kitchen.

September 2 2009 568

Dave unwittingly stars in Bro’s grisly puppet snuff film.

Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus.

Dave: Set Blender to "Mix".



Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave.

Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice".

Dave: Hide evidence in microwave.

September 3 2009 575

Dave recklessly weaponizes his sylladex.

Dave: Grab those fireworks.

Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens.


Dave: Take nunchaku.



September 4 2009 581

Dave examines his hash function fetch modus.

Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually.

Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks.

Dave: Examine fetch modus.

Dave: Press EJECT button.

Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus.

Dave: Check the box "detect collisions".

September 5 2009 587

Dave gives his objects ridiculous names to shoehorn them into his sylladex.

Dave: Take the skateboard.



Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord.

Dave: Think of a new word for powercord.



September 6 2009 594

Dave wraps up his kitchen activities.

Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO.

Dave: Open refrigerator.

Dave: Take swords.

Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here.



Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS.

Dave: Take blender.

Dave: Activate garbage disposal.

Dave: Stuff down mr. purple guy into the garbage disposal.


Dave: Look up.

Dave: Use the turntables and cinderblocks to make a fort.

September 7 2009 607

Dave falls for the smuppet trap.

Dave: Yank cord.





September 8 2009 612

Bro summons Dave to the roof.

Dave: Read the note on the hatch.

Dave: Burst out of the puppet pile like "the one".

Dave: Be the other guy.

September 9 2009 615

Rose puts the kibosh on John’s self-indulgent tent-making nonsense.

John: Take dowels and sheets from bed and make a tent.


September 10 2009 617

John and Rose alchemize items from their punch cards.

John: Carve a totem of the punched pogo card.

John: Repeat process with other cards and dowels.

John: Do same thing with captchalogued captchalogue card.

Rose: Collect totems.

Rose: Produce captchalogue card.






September 11 2009 627

Reading “Wise Guy” inspires John to carve a totem from overlapping punch cards. He makes the Pogo Hammer.

John: Collect cards.

John: Turn on "detect collisions".

John: Read book. Be the wise guy.



John: Put both cards in totem lathe.

John: Take it to the alchemiter.



September 13 2009 636

John tries out his new weapon.

John: Practice with new weapon.

September 14 2009 637

John bounces up to the roof. Rose moves his bed up there to break his fall.

Cinematic 12: John Sleeps.

John: Attack the nearest imp to test pogo hammer's strength.






Rose: Pester John.

[S] John: Sleep.

September 15 2009 645

Rose thinks of sending John the captcha for Sburb Server, but it is indecipherable.

Also, her laptop dies again.

Rose: Check Alchemy Excursus.

Rose: Captchalogue Sburb Server CD.

Rose: Message John the Captcha code.




September 17 2009 651

Cinematic 13: John Wakes.

Jade pesters John about another kind of waking.

[S] John: Wake up.


September 18 2009 653

A pair of Crude Ogres climb the house.

John: Quickly grab the pogo hammer.



John: Be the imp.

John: Prepare for a boss battle.



September 19 2009 660

John prepares for a boss battle.

John: Ascend to the highest point of the house.

John: Look down.


John: Turn around...

September 21 2009 664

Cinematic 14: Dave Ascends.

The Vagabond makes a moldy pumpkin disappear.

Dave: Stop being the other guy.

[S] Dave: Ascend to the highest point of the building.


WV: Retri...

WV: Examine rotten pumpkin.

September 22 2009 669

The Vagabond cannot open the canned food and does not have a sylladex. He does have a bar code, however.

WV: Check the little red bar.

WV: Captchalogue can of gravy.

WV: Pick up the can of gravy. Just pick it up.

WV: Use sharp teeth to poke a hole in the lid of the can.

WV: Attempt to open can with your weak pathetic digits.

WV: Take the can labeled BEANS.

WV: Examine can of custard.

WV: Examine marking on wrist.


WV: Examine the small potted plant.

September 23 2009 679

The Vagabond reviews Human Etiquette.

WV: Check book on Human Etiquette.


September 24 2009 681

The Vagabond presides over Can Town and eats various inedible substances including a chunk of uranium fuel.

WV: Clear out all the cans inside the purple machine.

WV: Search room for can opener.

WV: Locate a nearby sharp object.

WV: Be the imp.

WV: Become the mayor of Can Town.



WV: Explore west of Can Town.

WV: Use glowing green rock to open cans.

WV: Examine box of crayons.


WV: Try to open the storage box.

WV: Examine contents of yellow container.

WV: Rescue that poor lightning bug.


September 25 2009 696

The Vagabond draws a chess board on the floor.

WV: Use the chalk to draw some roads.

WV: Lay a chalk foundation for Can Town's civic growth.

September 26 2009 698

The Vagabond completes his mayoral sash.

WV: Use your own pee for the commercial zones.

WV: Use motor oil to designate commercial zones.

WV: Peel label from can of MAYO and affix to sash.

September 27 2009 701

The Vagabond draws the Incipisphere on the walls.

WV: Survey surroundings in search of more terrain for city.




WV: Check that rampaging boy on the screen.

WV: Turn on the other 3 screens.

September 28 2009 707

The Vagabond discovers the station’s other pantry. It is full of TAB sugar-free cola.

WV: Press Tab.



September 29 2009 710

The Vagabond slakes his thirst, welcomes the pop cans to Can Town, and returns to the terminal.

WV: Consume several cans.

WV: Welcome the rest into the city.

WV: Hit escape.



WV: Type => SWITCH 2.

WV: Type => SWITCH 3.

WV: Type => HOME.

September 30 2009 718

The Vagabond locks himself out of the terminal and returns to his chess recreation.

WV: Type => REBOOT.

WV: Be the mayor.

WV: Create employment opportunities for the citizen cans.

October 1 2009 721

Cinematic 15: To Victory!

[S] WV: Lead your men to victory!

October 2 2009 722

A Peregrine Mendicant trundles precious cargo.

The station locks the Vagabond out of the Client Room.

WV: Mourn the loss of citizen tab.

Minutes in the future...

WV: Go outside and get some sun.




October 3 2009 728

The Server Room is also locked. The Vagabond enters the Appearifier Room instead and appearifies the Bec-head pumpkin.

WV: Curiously prod the funny-looking spirograph.


WV: Select the triangley fractal.




WV: Attach your trusty knife to the meter stick.


WV: Look at the other wall.

WV: Press the triangle pattern.


October 4 2009 739

After deciphering the machine’s coordinate system, the Vagabond appearifies his belongings from the Client Room.

WV: Examine pumpkin.

WV: Devour pumpkin.

WV: Inspect green buttons.

WV: Press green button on right.

WV: Fiddle with the dials.

WV: Appearify your trusty knife.

WV: Appearify Can Town.

October 5 2009 746

The Vagabond releases Serenity from the amber and tests the Appearifier on a paradox subject.

WV: Deappearify the pumpkin.

WV: Use trusty knife to carve spook schema in pumpkin.

WV: Move spirograph switch.

WV: Appearify firefly out of the amber.


WV: Adjust time dial to appearify rotten pumpkin.


WV: Appearify the grate over the entrance to the facility.


October 9 2009 755

Cinematic 16: Hasten to the Exit!

[S] WV: Hasten to the exit post-haste!

October 11 2009 756

Cinematic 17: Five Times Cliffhanger Combo.

The Vagabond’s command station takes off and flies around the world. A continent westward, the Mendicant discovers the apple station. An ocean westward still, the Mystic Ruins arise on paleozoic Earth.

A forest fire threatens Rose’s refuge. Mom activates a secret passage.

Dad escapes from the imps. Dave and Bro face off.

The Vagabond’s station lands at the Mystic Ruins.


oh wait

[S] WV: Ascend.


October 12 2009 759

Act 3.

The old Sassacre’s contains a note from Nanna.

Dear John,

October 14 2009 760

Who is this silly girl?

Jade Harley examines her atrium.

Pseudogame 7: Silly Flute Refrain

ACT 3 ==>

Enter name.

Wake up!

Retrieve arms from...

Drop pumpkin on Farmstink.

Read note.

Try again.


Examine room.

[S] Jade: Play a silly flute refrain.

October 15 2009 770

Jade considers the flute.


Jade: Captchalogue flute.

October 16 2009 772

Pseudogame 8: Game Fetch Modi.

Jade selects a modus, feeds the plants, and consults the bands on her fingers.

Jade: Set modus.

Jade: Select Memory.

Jade: Squeal like a piglet and fertilize some plants.



Jade: Consult colourful reminders.

Jade: Captchalogue the pumpkin growing next to you.

October 17 2009 779

Jade examines the garden atrium.

Jade: Exit this room.


October 18 2009 781

Jade picks some fruit.

Jade: Captchalogue something.





October 19 2009 786

Jade transportalizes upstairs.

Jade: Go upstairs to bedroom.


October 20 2009 788

Jade explores her room.

Jade: Ascend.


Jade: Explore the other half of your room!


October 21 2009 792

Jade examines her Wardrobifier.

Jade: Quickly retrieve firearms from wall.

Jade: Wonder why the design on your shirt changed.


October 22 2009 795

Jade plays with dolls and admires fauna.

Jade: Captchalogue nearest Squiddles doll and hug it.


Jade: Lose interest in fauna and never speak of it again.

Jade: Pick up your toys!

Jade: Organize all your dolls.

Jade: Change wardrobifier setting.

October 23 2009 801

Jade admires the view.

Jade: Look out window.

Jade: Retrieve fursuit from magic chest.

Jade: Open chest.

October 24 2009 804

Jade lets us play Memory with her items. (Not really.)

Jade: Examine magic 8-ball and magic cue ball.


Jade: Captchalogue refrigerator.

Jade: Feed your friend.



Try again.

Take another crack at this.

Ok, one more time.


Jade: Stick fruits in the refrigerator to keep them fresh.


Jade: Press the steak button.


October 25 2009 818

Jade irradiates a steak for Bec.

Jade: Lightly irradiate steak.


October 27 2009 820

Cinematic 18: Hauntingly Relaxing Bassline.

Jade: Examine the atomic bass by your bed.


[S] Jade: Play a hauntingly relaxing bassline.

October 28 2009 823

Jade gets on her computer.

Jade: Captchalogue bass.

Jade: Open lunchtop.

Jade: Get down to business.

October 29 2009 826

Silent film 6: Pesterchum Enamel.

Jade: Activate Pesterchum.

October 30 2009 827

Dave pesters Jade about his fursona.

Jade: Pester John.

Jade: See if Dave left you a sweet new rap.


October 31 2009 830

Pseudogame 9: FreshJamz.

[S] Jade: Open FreshJamz!

November 2 2009 831

Cinematic 19: Midnight Crew.

Jade pesters Dave about birthday packages.

Jade: Open Echidna and go to




Jade: Pester Dave.

November 6 2009 836

Cinematic 20: Strife with Bro, Round One.

Rose pesters Jade for reassurance.

[S] Dave: STRIFE.


Jade: Pester Rose.

Jade: Be the other girl.

Rose: Descend.

Jade: Stop being the other girl and pester John again.


November 8 2009 843

Cinematic 21: Strife with the Crude Ogres, Adversity.

[S] Jade: Descend.

November 9 2009 844

The Mendicant meets a robotic worm.

John contributes to the walkthrough.

Rose escapes to the SkaiaNet laboratory.

Also in the future...




November 10 2009 848

Rose enters the Hubgrid.

Jade descends through Grandpa’s trophies.

Rose: Look for mad scientists.



Jade: Transportalize as far down as you can go.

Jade: Proceed.

Jade: Keep going.

November 11 2009 854

Karkat trolls Jade about fucking up.

Jade: Don't stop.


Jade: Complete your descent.



Jade: Answer.

Rose: Look at that kiosk.

Rose: Go to the center and do a goofy dance.

November 12 2009 862

Rose loses Jasper and finds a power source in the grid.

Rose: Attempt to plug laptop into nearby hub.


Rose: Examine fetch modus.


Rose: Find the unlocked hub.




November 13 2009 870

The Mendicant’s apple station counts down to liftoff.

Again in the future...

November 17 2009 871

Cinematic 22: Strife with Bro, Round Two.

[S] Dave: Abscond.

November 18 2009 872

Rose discovers the Session Terminal.


Rose: Look around for anything else of importance.




November 20 2009 877

Pseudogame 10: Strife with the Crude Ogres, Victory.

Rose: Turn on your laptop and check on John.


[S] Rose: Ascend.

November 21 2009 880

John levels up.

Nannasprite hints at what comes next.

John: High-five Nannaquin.

John: Climb that echeladder.

John: Collect phat lewtz.

John: Pick up as much grist as you can hold.



November 22 2009 886

Dad wreaks havoc on Derse.

The Mendicant blows a hole in her station when she tries to speak to Jade.

Elsewhere, we find a place...






You are now...

PM: Check mail.

PM: Open envelope.



PM: Examine keyboard and screen.

PM: Type => VIEW


Don't I know you?



November 23 2009 903

Rose discovers a pink bedroom set and a mutant kitten in the lab.


Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd tea set.


Rose: Wear the scarf. Be the Rider.


November 24 2009 908

John and Jade steel themselves for familial encounters.

John: Resist great urge to take the wedged shale.


John: Jump down.


Jade: Scamper into grand foyer with wild abandon.

Jade: Arm yourself.

November 25 2009 914

Jade tries to sneak by Grandpa.

Jade: Examine those chaps on the sofa.



November 27 2009 917

Pseudogame 11: Strife with Grandpa.

Jade: Leap dramatically across the divide.

[S] Strife!!!

November 28 2009 919

Jade leaves the house.

A robotic worm rescues the mail.


Jade: Abscond!

PM: Miraculously survive.

PM: Peer out explosion hole.




November 29 2009 926

Rose creates a paradox clone of Jaspers.

Rose: Refuse to acknowledge the absurd kitten.

Rose: Insert coin.

Rose: Let's play a game.

Rose: Screw around with the appearifier.


Rose: Cause time paradox.




Rose: Have a flashback.


November 30 2009 937

Cinematic 23: Trace Jaspers.

Bonus Cinematic: Neigh.

Rose retrieves the corpse and escapalizes.

Rose: Trace Jaspers' whereabouts on the machine.

[S] Rose: Fast forward to now.

[S] Ride. (bonus)


Rose: Appearify Jaspers immediately.

Rose: Stop fooling around and transportalize out of there!

December 1 2009 942

Jade searches for Bec and the package from John.

Jade: Locate and feed the devilbeast you call a pet.



Jade: Retrieve the package you expected to arrive.

December 2 2009 946

Cinematic 24: Kind of a Boring Room.

John: Triple somersault into room, etc. Stick the landing.

John: Snoop.

[S] John: Examine your dad's room.

December 3 2009 949

Who is this slick archagent?

John: Calm down, it'll be alright.




Enter name.

Take another stab at it.

State name and rank.

Jack: Don comical hat.

December 4 2009 957

Jack Noir despises the hat.

Dad gets the drop on the Brute.

John opens his presents and configures a queuestack array fetch modus.

Jack: Call a minion.



Jack: Throw down hat in disgust.



John: Investigate room for anything dad may have left behind

John: Present time! Open a present see what's inside!

John: Obtain SW33TL00T.


John: Equip array fetch modus.

John: Read instructions for control deck.



John: Unwrap the smallest present first.


John: Open the big one.

December 5 2009 974

John discovers the hideous dark secret of Fruit Gushers.

John: Fill up an entire queuestack with shoes.

John: Captchalogue Fruit Gushers.

John: Closely inspect Fruit Gushers box.



December 6 2009 979

Cinematic 25: Gushers.

[S] John: Mental breakdown.

December 8 2009 980

Pseudogame 12: Strife with Bec.

[S] Jade: Retrieve package.




December 9 2009 984

Rose transportalizes home just in time to see a meteor unestablish the SkaiaNet lab.

John punches some cards.

Rose: Check self for any mixed atoms with cat.

Rose: Look around room.

Rose: Watch the meteor impact.



John: Get down to business.

December 10 2009 990

Jade dreams.

Jade: Dream.




December 11 2009 994

The Dreambot mimicks Dream Jade.

Jade: Obliquely foreshadow future through interpretive dance

Jade: Quick! Get into bed!

Jade: Realize you can fly!

December 12 2009 997

Months prior: John pesters Jade about his gift to her.

In the present: John sees his subconscious graffiti.

Years posterior: the Vagabond appearifies the gift.

Jade: Open the Package.


Months in the past...


John: Make totems.

Rose: Flee room.

Rose: Pester John.



WV: Descend.

WV: Sacrifice your MAYORAL SASH for more CABLES.

WV: Appearify the temple.


WV: Command Serenity to carry the rope to you.

WV: Get ye rope.




December 14 2009 1015

An Aimless Renegade prepares for company.

WV: Try to appearify the cable again.

WV: Take obvious course of action.

Years in the future...





December 16 2009 1022

Rose pesters John about brain problems.

Rose: Build as much as you can as fast as you can.


John: Alchemize.


December 18 2009 1026

Cinematic 26: Prospit.

[S] Jade: Dream up extra arms and play advanced bass solo.

Jade: Change wardrobifier to cycle thru STAR HEART HORSESHOE

Jade: Go explore the golden city.




December 19 2009 1032

Dream Jade sees the Mistress and so, in another time and place, does the Vagabond.

Jade: Go and make a new friend.




WV: Eat letter and envelope.

WV: Look behind you!

WV: Read letter.


December 20 2009 1040

Following Jade’s instructions, the Vagabond takes cover with the Mendicant and gives her the box.

Dream Jade visits Dream John.







WV: Give present! Hooray!!!

Jade: Gracefully fly to the other golden tower.

Jade: Inspect neighbor's tower.




December 21 2009 1052

John incorporates double-punched cards into his alchemy.

John: Alchemize in a 1980's time-lapse montage.

John: Recombine hammer and pogo ride.

John: Combine ghost shirt and suit.

John: Combine ghost suit and Wise Guy book.

December 22 2009 1056

John alchemizes so much sweet loot.

John: Combine glasses and PDA.

John: Combine sledgehammer, telescope, and Sassacre text.

John: Combine gushers and blue ectoplasm.

John: Combine fake arm, blue ectoplasm, and PDA.

John: Combine ghost gauntlet and bathroom mirror.

John: Combine umbrella and straight razor.

John: Combine gushers and shaving cream.

John: Combine Ghost Dad poster with...

John: Captchalogue/punch Heath Ledger Joker figurine.

John: Combine Cosby poster with computer.

John: Combine Dad's hat and Problem Sleuth game.

John: Combine Hammer and Problem Sleuth game.

John: Combine iron and pogo hammer.


December 24 2009 1070

Cinematic 27: Strife with Bro, Final Round.

Bro defeats Dave, leaves him the beta, and rides a rocket board into the sky.

[S] Dave: Strife!



December 28 2009 1073

Cinematic 28: Skaian Eclipse.

[S] Jade: Pester John.

December 29 2009 1074

Jade decides to enter the Mystic Ruins.


Jade: Update colourful reminders.


Jade: Grab your harpoon gun.

December 30 2009 1078

Jade zip-lines to a satellite of the Ruins.

Rose builds John’s house up to the First Gate.

Jade: Use harpoon to zip-line into the great outdoors.



Rose: Finish building.

December 31 2009 1082

Dave dumps his shit on the roof and grabs the beta.

Dave: Mourn the loss of Cal.

Dave: Go get a god damn new sword.

Dave: Captchalogue beta.

Dave: Eject your modus and set it to Scrabble values.

Dave: Get beta.

Dave: Pester Rose.


January 1 2010 1089

Months prior: Rose gets knitting needles for her birthday. Kanaya trolls her about intellect.

Dave gets the Stiller shades for his birthday. Tavros trolls him about innuendo.

Rose: Captchalogue and send John code for his present.

Months in the past...

dear rose,


Rose: Answer.




dear dave,


Dave: Answer.

January 2 2010 1100

After emptying his gun at the intruders, the Renegade looks for another weapon.

You are now...

AR: Realize that your weapon is magazine-fed, not clip-fed.

AR: Examine the wall behind you.

AR: Go search for more ammo.

AR: Quickly retrieve side arms.

January 3 2010 1105

The Renegade plays courthouse.

Jade places John’s present for the Vagabond to appearify.

AR: Find a rocket launcher.


AR: Befriend the unwelcome rogues.




AR: Examine moving platform.

Jade: Place present on monument.




January 4 2010 1116

The Renegade shoots rockets all over the place.

The Mendicant sendificates the gift.

PM : Read the letter.



AR: Berate self for unauthorized demolition.

AR: Be the law.


WV: Wave about in a distracting manner.


PM: Scamper quickly to the newly created hole.


PM: Read the next step of the letter.



January 5 2010 1129

Years prior: little Jade gets a gift and a letter from future John.

Years in the past...






dear jade,


January 6 2010 1137

Dad earns Jack’s amnesty for destroying his hat.



Jack: Kill John's dad yourself.






January 7 2010 1145

Jade crosses the lagoon.

Jade: Play guitar to summon giant lily pads.



January 8 2010 1148

Dave installs Sburb.

Dave: Install beta.

January 14 2010 1149

Cinematic 29: Four Times Entry Combo.

Dave connects to Rose and helps her into the game. They prototype Rose’s kernelsprite with Jasper and the Tentacle Princess.

Nannasprite leaves a note in the new Sassacre’s.

Jade finds a lotus time capsule in the Ruins. The lotus yields Dave’s juice-stained betas.

John wrinklefucks and sassacrushes his way to the First Gate.


[S] Enter.





January 15 2010 1154


Silent film 7: English Mansion.

Who is this vicious mobster?


[I] ==>

January 16 2010 1156

Spades Slick starts wrecking clocks.

[I] SS: Inspect timekeeping devices.

[I] SS: Captchalogue carriage clock.

[I] SS: Build fort with clocks.

[I] SS: Check for traps under the billiards rug.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Play 52 pickup.

January 17 2010 1162

Slick consults his vendetta itinerary. His crew is here to kill nearly all of The Felt, including their loathsome boss Lord English.

[I] SS: Open war chest.

[I] SS: Shuffle contents of war chest.

[I] SS: Scavenge war chest for fancy headwear.

[I] SS: Hide inside your war chest.

[I] SS: Start up the Crosbytop.

[I] SS: Go to

[I] SS: Delete the time setting on the crosbytop.

[I] SS: Take the spade key.

[I] SS: Examine vendetta itinerary.

[I] SS: Wonder where the number 8 mugshot went.

[I] SS: Examine heist map.

January 18 2010 1173

Doze’s weird stasis field stumps Clubs Deuce.

[I] SS: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Enter the hallway near the main entrance.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Be Hearts Boxcars.

[I] CD: Rough him up.

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Punch clocks in faces to establish chronology.

[I] CD: Swap hats with Doze.

[I] CD: Dump the contents of your war chest over him.

[I] CD: Play some solitaire.

January 19 2010 1184

Slick trips and hitches that quick lid-switching son of a bitch Itchy.

[I] CD: Throw the hat down and stomp it mercilessly.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stop being Hearts Boxcars.

[I] SS: Lift left leg and hold it a little ways in the air.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Wear CD's hat on top of your current one.

[I] SS: Wear backup hat.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Be Diamonds Droog.

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Grab the deuce of clubs.

[I] CD: Pick up all of the cards and throw them at Doze.

January 20 2010 1196

Deuce puts a bomb on his head.

Trace aggros Diamonds Droog from the future.

[I] CD: Pick a card, any card.

[I] CD: Pick up card depicting stately blonde-haired fellows

[I] CD: Forget you are CD. Believe you are Hearts Boxcars.

[I] DD: Wear backup hat.

[I] DD: Retrieve hat from brawlsoleum.

[I] DD: Withdraw licorice fish from backup hat.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Resume pursuit of wounded felt member.

[I] DD: Follow trail of blood up the stairs.

[I] CD: Follow Diamonds Droog's instructions.

[I] CD: Just lock Doze in the battledrobe.

[I] ==>

January 21 2010 1210

Die jumps out of the frying pan timeline and into the fire timeline—twice!

[I] Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Make friends with Die.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Stop being SS.

[I] HB: Do a silly dance.

[I] HB: Pry the wall from the safe.

[I] HB: Deploy PUNCHBOX.

January 22 2010 1220

Eggs and Biscuits team up on Hearts Boxcars.

Trace crosses Deuce’s trace.

Fin tails Droog from the past. Being shot by Droog betrays his position, allowing Droog to shoot him.

[I] HB: Retrieve two of hearts from backup hat.

[I] HB: Peruse Red Cheeks magazine.

[I] HB: Call Clubs on nearest card.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Follow path.

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Take a good look around the new room you're in.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 23 2010 1235

Slick helps Die die.

Deuce helps Trace trace.

¡Adiós, Tres y Dos!

[I] SS: Rematerialize.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Take voodoo doll.

[I] SS: Clocks. Destroy them.

[I] DD: Follow blood trail downstairs and finish him off.

[I] SS: Return to being Hearts Boxcars.

[I] CD: Implement nefarious scheme.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 24 2010 1248

Deuce and Fin follow each other’s trails.

[I] CD: Follow the red-blood road.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 25 2010 1251

Boxcars calls for backup.

C’est la fin pour Fin.

[I] HB: Waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Call Spades for backup.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 26 2010 1258

Droog gets the drop on Stitch.

[I] CD: Burst in thrusting bull penis cane.

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Sneak into Stitch's boutique.

[I] ==>

January 27 2010 1262

Slick jumps to a timeline where Crowbar is alive.

[I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks.

[I] SS: Remove Crowbar's pin.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 28 2010 1266

Cinematic 30: Snowman.

Snowman comes and goes, leaving a souvenir for Slick.

[I] SS: Insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin.

[S][I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 29 2010 1269

Slick wounds and rewounds Sawbuck. Time around Sawbuck is wound and rewound.

[I] SS: Remove knife from eye.

[I] SS: Give it to Sawbuck.

[I] SS: Kill something out of rage and frustration.

[I] SS: Bring knives to the gunfight.

[I] SS: Occam's Razor. Crowbar's head. Make it hapen.

January 30 2010 1274

Slick brings Crowbar and Sawbuck back to the timeline where Crowbar is dead. Wounding Sawbuck a fourth time sends them all back to a time when the native Sawbuck was present. Slick incites friendly fire between Crowbar and the native Sawbuck, whisking the two off to another time.

[I] Years in the past...

[I] SS: Hit Crowbar in the head.

[I] SS: Stuff him in your deck of cards.

[I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop

[I] SS: Carry Sawbuck like Titan Atlas would carry the world

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stick Crowbar's pin back in again.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 1 2010 1284

Slick stabs the exogenous Sawbuck willy-nilly through time. The exogenous Crowbar and native Sawbuck reappear. Slick treats all three of their heads to the second best rapier-off in the history of Paradox Space.

[I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stab first, utter puns later.

[I] ==>

[I] PSS: Remove Crowbar's pin.

[I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck.

[I] SS: Knock Sawbuck unconscious.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 2 2010 1298

Stitch sews up Slick’s wound.

[I] DD: Call Spades.

[I] DD: Have Stitch patch up SS's effigy.

[I] SS: Have right eye patched up.

[I] ==>

February 3 2010 1302

Slick horses around.

Snowman comes and goes.

[I] SS: Arm yourself, in case Cans shows up.

[I] SS: Ride around on horse hitcher pretending to joust.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 4 2010 1307

A Slick in time slays 9.

[I] DD: Shoot up biscuit and eggs's effigies.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>


[I] ==>

February 5 2010 1312

Slick breaks Eggs’s timer.

Boxcars eats Eggs.

Deuce bakes Biscuits.

[I] SS: Start whacking things with the crowbar.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Crowbar. Biscuits' oven. Make it hapen.

[I] CD: Put dynamite in oven.

[I] CD: Turn up heat on Biscuit's oven.

[I] ==>

February 6 2010 1322

Clover riddles the scofflaws about the safe, safe in the knowledge that he cannot be riddled back. Not with bullets, anyway.

[I] SS: Use crowbar to pry the safe open.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Politely ask Clover to remain calm.

[I] DD: Ask Clover for the ultimate riddle.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 7 2010 1328

Cans bursts in and punches Droog and Boxcars into other temporal strata.

[I] DD: Check personal ads of periodical.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!"

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 8 2010 1336

Breaking the vault with Crowbar’s crowbar knocks Slick into an alternate timeline. Everyone is gone and everything is in ruins.

Slick enters the vault.

Snowman comes and goes, taking a souvenir from Slick.

[I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Enter the vault.

[I] SS: Dramatically use the spade key.

[I] SS: Peek inside keyhole.

[I] SS: Use rules card for blackjack.

[I] SS: Get on with it.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 9 2010 1349

Slick finds himself in a command station monitoring Karkat’s progress.


[I] SS: Flip your sprite.

[I] SS: Scan the barcode.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] yeah you

[I] ==>


February 9 2010 1358

Act 4.

Minigame 4: Land of Wind and Shade.

John explores his Land and meets some friendly salamanders.

[S] ACT 4 ==>

February 11 2010 1359

The Renegade shoots more rockets, then surrenders when he sees the Bec-head pumpkin.

Jade takes the juice-stained betas and switches to a Pictionary fetch modus.

In a future settled askance of the present...







In the mystic ruins of an era pre-desecration...

Jade: Take the discs.

Jade: Switch to Jenga modus.




Jade: Switch to Pictionary modus.

Jade: Try out new Pictionary modus.

February 12 2010 1374

Jade tries out the drawing modus. Bec finds her and returns her to the house.

Jade: Draw Lunchtop.


Jade: Captchalogue the beta.

Jade: Quick! Random scribbling!



Jade: Draw a pumpkin.



Jade: Get the rest of your items.

Jade: Captchalogue bass on card with Dutton ghost image.





February 13 2010 1389

Jade installs Sburb and pesters the boys about it.

Dave pesters Rose about cozies.

Jade: Install Beta.

Jade: Pester chums.

John: Pester Rose.


Dave: Pester Rose.

February 14 2010 1394

Karkat trolls John about getting Jade to talk to him.

The Vagabond shares rations with his new friends.

John: Answer troll.

John: Search for your father's car.

WV: Settle this dispute in a rational, diplomatic manner.

February 15 2010 1397

Jade connects to Dave and starts deploying his alchemy gear.


Jade: Deploy alchemiter.

Jade: Deploy cruxtruder in Dave's room.


February 16 2010 1401

Rose pesters Dave about the efficiency of girls.

Jade makes a mess in his bathroom.

Jade: Move Dave's bed to the roof.

Jade: Deploy the cruxtruder in its place.

Jade: Replace television with totem lathe.

Jade: Organize Dave's puppets.

Jade: Tidy up Strider's apartment a little.


February 17 2010 1407

Cinematic 31: Land of Light and Rain.

[S] ==>

February 18 2010 1408

The Renegade retrieves the refrigerator and cookalizer.

The Vagabond introduces the Mendicant to John. She in turn introduces John to the Pyxis system.

John asks Nannasprite about the Seven Gates.

AR: Cautiously drink TAB.

AR: Retrieve mysterious artifacts from ruins.

WV: Introduce new friends to John.







I am told your name is John. Is that correct?

It's nice to meet you, John.

Ok, John. Let's explore this place!

This is great! Something is in there. Take a look.

There is nothing inside. Should we put something in?

This one's empty. Perhaps a delivery is in order?

Introduce yourself to the local amphibious fauna.


Hooray! This one contains a prize!

Open it! Open it!!!

How exciting! A parcel for you. Retrieve it!


A good place to keep lookout?

February 19 2010 1430

Who is this voice in Rose’s head?

John finds some baddies terrorizing a salamander village.


Seer, can you hear me?

Have a look around, Rose.

You have much to discover.

John: Go over the river and through the woods.


February 20 2010 1436

Jade falls asleep, releases Dave’s kernelsprite, and puts the impaled crow in it.

Dave contemplates pranking John with pee juice.

Jade: Drop the toilet in Dave's room.




Dave: Use now empty apple juice bottle as pee receptacle.




Dave: Kick that puppet out of the shower.

Jade: Retrieve Dave's copy of Sburb and the impaled crow.

Jade: Put something weird in the seizure kernel.


February 21 2010 1448

Dave tricks Jade into waking herself with a Robo Slap.

The Renegade makes a fire and gives the Mendicant a Squiddle.

Jade: Wake up.


AR: Use gunpowder and empty crates to make a campfire.


AR: Win over that fine carapace in grey.


February 22 2010 1454

The squiddle recalls to the Mendicant her old encounter with the Renegade, when he was an Authority Regulator and she was a Parcel Mistress.

The minions get the best of John.


So many years ago, entrenched in the temporally oblique...


AR?: Surround the scene with caution tape.

AR?: Write the owner of this vehicle a ticket.





John: Activate ghost gloves.


February 23 2010 1465

A moustachioed gunman rescues John and wanders off without a word.

The spirograph reminds the Mendicant of her delivery duties.









WV, PM, AR: Stargaze.



PM?: Retrieve package.


February 24 2010 1478

The Regulator gives the Mistress the Sburb copy but keeps the green package for his superiors.

John discovers to his dismay that shaving cream is flammable. A windy thing puts out the fire.

PM?: Ready sword.

AR?: Doff your hat to the attractive female.

PM?: Retrieve both parcels.




John: Chase the man, you want your book!

John: Save the lizards!




February 25 2010 1489

The Mendicant asks John to carve a Pyxis request.

A Windswept Questant asks Rose to explore her land and find her sprite.

John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved.

Great! I would like you to carve something on it.

Rose, find your sprite.

Your deceased pet.

Is it not why you are here?

Follow them.

Examine your pet's tomb.


February 26 2010 1497

Rose discovers that Mom has sailed away.

The Renegade and the Vagabond play Exile Town and oh my god egg!



A mother will do whatever is best for her children.

WV: Become the mayor of Exile Town.


WV: Fondly regard desert night.


February 27 2010 1504

Dave alchemizes his pre-punched item, a cruxite egg. His crow sprite swoops down and carries the egg away to its roof-shit nest.

Jade puts the kibosh on Dave’s self-indulgent microwave nonsense.

Jade: Give Dave punch card of an eggy loking thign [sic].

Dave: Pester Jade.

Dave: Make the world's largest omlette.



February 28 2010 1509

Jade adds a jumper block extension to Dave’s alchemiter. To upgrade it they need shale for a Punch Designix to punch cards for the shunts.

Dave installs gristTorrent.

Rose battles her first minions.

Jade: Deploy Punch Designix.

Jade: Check unknown objects.

Jade: Deploy green and white compact disc.


Jade: Deploy circuit board looking thingy.



Jade: Attempt to deploy catchalogue disk drive.

Dave: Insert card with the CD on the slot.

Dave: Insert disc into computer.

Dave: Install software.


March 1 2010 1521

Rose acquires chalk.

Dave leeches John’s grist.

Dave: Illegally pirate some of John's shale.

Dave: Download a bunch of grist from John. He has plenty.

March 2 2010 1523

John and Rose compare lands.

Terezi trolls Rose about coöperation.

Months prior: Karkat trolls Jade, Jade hears from her penpal, and Terezi trolls John.

You guide the Heir. Consult with him.

Who is this bothering you?

Meanwhile, the past pulls a mean double reacharound...






March 3 2010 1531

The Mistress follows the Regulator to Derse.

PM?: Follow the agent.


March 4 2010 1533

The Black Queen sends the Mistress to see Jack.

The Questant gets out of Rose’s head and emerges from the egg station.






Rose, I must leave now.

This is the last you will hear from me.


Rose: Sip martini thoughtfully.


Fourth Exile: Suddenly appear.



PM: Command John to put the carved tablet into a pyxis.


March 5 2010 1548

Jack offers the green box in exchange for Prospit’s crowns, sending the Mistress on her way with a Regisword and a hit list.

PM?: Locate the Archagent.

PM?: Grab the box and run!






March 6 2010 1555

Dave and Jade tinker with jumper block upgrades, briefly rendering the alchemiter useless.

Jack: Examine package.

Jack: Open it.

Dave: Punch some cards.

Dave: Put a punched card in a shunt.


Dave: Use a punched Gamebro Magazine card.

Jade: Draw the punch designix.


Jade: Send the code to Dave.

Dave: Punch code and put it in the jumper shunty thing.

March 7 2010 1565

They consolidate Dave’s alchemy devices, cutting out the shunt and cruxite intermediaries. Jade’s modus foils her attempt to deploy the captcha reader.

Jade: Draw the holopad.


Dave: Upgrade alchemiter with holopad.

Jade: Draw the totem lathe.

Jade: Draw the jumper block.

Dave: Upgrade.

Jade: Draw the intellibeam laserstation.


March 9 2010 1573

Dave creates an enlarger upgrade.

Dave: Captchalogue enlarger.

Dave: Upgrade.

Jade: Draw air conditioner on roof.

Dave: Make air conditioner unit.


March 10 2010 1578

Terezi trolls John about shortcuts.

John: Find the car.




March 11 2010 1582

Rose goes home and rides an ogre down the falls. Dave pesters her for grist.

Rose: Strife.




Rose: Knit the scarf. Ride the ogre.


Rose: Answer Dave.

March 17 2010 1589

Kanaya trolls Dave for the scoop on Rose.

Tavros trolls Rose for the dope on Dave.

Dave: Answer troll.

Rose: Answer troll.

March 18 2010 1591

Kanaya trolls Rose about rigging temporal inevitability.


Rose: Answer troll.


March 20 2010 1594

Tavros trolls Dave about getting mad hornographic.

John flurps out of a shortcut.


Dave: Answer troll.


John: Take shortcut.

March 21 2010 1598

John reënacts a sentimental scene with a dirty little bunny with a heart of gold. Karkat trolls him about cinema.



John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.

John: Give dear sweet Casey the bunny.

John: Surrender to overwhelming emotions.

John: Answer CG.

March 22 2010 1604

Terezi trolls John about facing his Denizen. John enters a node returning him to his house.

John: Answer GC.

John: Turn around.

John: Examine gate.

John: Hop in.

March 23 2010 1608

The Vagabond and the Renegade make a crown for the Questant, to the Mendicant’s astonishment.

WV, AR: Prepare gift for the WQ.




March 24 2010 1612

The Mendicant remembers the White Queen, who gave her a royal duty that is now fulfilled.

The Questant coronates the Mendicant.

Meanwhile, in a long discarded memory...











March 26 2010 1623

Rose finds Jaspersprite, who tells her about playing the rain.


Rose: Consult with Jaspersprite.



March 27 2010 1627

Rose pesters Dream Jade about her dream self.

Rose: Pester Jade.

Rose: Pester Dave.



March 28 2010 1631

Dave climbs towards the bird sprite’s roof-shit nest. A meteor looms.



March 29 2010 1633

Terezi trolls John about his rocket pack with random crap stuck inside it.

John: Await further instruction.

John: Captchalogue rocket pack.

March 30 2010 1635

John makes an unadulterated rocket pack.


John: Make rocket pack.

March 31 2010 1637

Dave, having entered, pesters John about the bird sprite’s second prototyping.

John blasts off to the Seventh Gate.

John: Answer Dave.

John: Captchalogue Casey.

John: Blast off.


April 1 2010 1641

Cinematic 32: Land of Heat and Clockwork.

[S] Dave: Accelerate.

April 2 2010 1642

In a future bereft of John and Jade, Dave loses patience with the ghastly Calsprite. He pesters Rose one last time before traveling back in time to reverse the outcome.

Dave: Consult with Calsprite.

Dave: Pester Rose.

Dave: Reverse.

April 3 2010 1645

Future Dave arrives at the scene of his entry moments before things went to shit. After doing his best to dissuade John, he drops his loot for current Dave and dumps himself into the crow sprite, becoming Davesprite.

Future Rose’s timeline expires, imprinting her dream self onto her past self.

Cinematic 33: Rose Sleeps.

Davesprite trolls Terezi about impressionable doofs.









Rose: Pester Dave.

Rose: Prepare for nap.

Future Dream Rose: Cease to exist.

[S] ==>

Davesprite: Troll GC.

April 4 2010 1658

Dave chills with Davesprite.

John remembers Dave’s birthday note and reconsiders.

Davesprite: Chill with Dave.


Meanwhile, hundreds of pages ago...


so hey




April 5 2010 1666

Dave pesters John about trust.

Karkat trolls John about mistakes, friendship, and the Veil.

John: Get pestered by Dave.

John: Get trolled by CG.

April 13 2010 1668

Cinematic 34: Derse.

The Black Queen inflicts the dress code on Jack Noir. He rips off the motley costume, leaving only a tattered collar.

Dream Rose wakes and deciphers the Meow code written on her walls.

The kids’ Guardians blaze their own trails through the Medium.

Using the contents of the green box, Jack slays the Queen and puts on her ring, becoming the Sovereign Slayer.

End of Year One.

[S] Jack: Ascend.

April 15 2010 1669

We use the fourth wall stolen from Jack’s office to intrude on the author of Homestuck.

Recap 1: The First Year of Homestuck.

John; the beta; the bunny; punch card alchemy; John’s entry; the kernelsprite; Nannasprite; Rose; the lab; paradox slime; Dave; Rose’s entry; the cork station; Wayward Vagabond; Peregrine Mendicant; Aimless Renegade; Jade; cloud visions; Prospit dreamers; John’s gifts; little Jade’s birthday; Parcel Mistress; Dad; Derse; abdication; Exile Town; coronation; Lowas; denizens; destiny; deviation; fateful mistakes; trolls; Trollian; their chumhandles; the Midnight Crew; CG; Jade’s reticence; GA and AT; GC; Windswept Questant; Jaspersprite; Derse dreamers; the doomed timeline; the Mystic Ruins; the crow’s nest; Dave’s entry; John’s flight; the dead end; Davesprite; Rose’s waking; Jack Noir; the Ring of Orbs Fourfold; the fourth wall.

Locate fourth wall.


AH: Engage in highly indulgent self-insertion into story.

AH: Examine wall.

AH: Forget it. Go back to work.

AH: Recap first year of Homestuck.

AH: I didn't read any of that. Do something less boring.

AH: Retrieve arm from background.

AH: Why don't you keep drawing Homestuck or something.

Ok. ==>

AH: This is stupid. Stop being a wiseass and get drawing.

AH: Can you show us what's going on with John again?

AH: That sounds like a good idea.

Switch wall's view to show us what's going on with John.


April 16 2010 1684

Pseudogame 13: Map of Lowas.

Terezi sends John to his second gate.

John: Answer GC.

John: Open map.

John: Proceed to the second gate.

April 17 2010 1687

John rockets through the gate and crashes into Rose’s house on Lolar. He finds her sleeping.

Davesprite pesters John about the network of gates.

Dave pesters John to snoop on Rose’s notebooks.

John: Enter.




John: Get up.

John: Answer Dave.

John: Snoop.

John: Pick up books.

Dave: Zoom in.

April 18 2010 1696

Dream Rose greets Dream Dave.

John finds This Ocean Charles.










John: Check Rose's bookshelf.

John: Look at a book.

April 19 2010 1707

John opens Rose’s unfinished present to him. It is a grubby bunny half-covered in knitted patchwork.

John: Take book.

John: Oh, just open the package already.



April 20 2010 1711

John leaves Casey with Rose. Kanaya trolls Rose but John answers, pretending to be her.

John: Put the bunny back in the box.

John: Take box.

John: Deploy beloved daughter.

John: Answer troll.

April 21 2010 1715

Kanaya bugs Sollux to turn on her viewport.

Pseudogame 14: Professionalism.






[S] Rose and Dave: Shut up and jam.

April 22 2010 1721

Dream Rose tosses Lil Cal out of Dave’s tower.

Maplehoof follows Mom into some turtle ruins and through a transportalizer.

The breeze delivers a fresh hat to Dad, who follows Grandpa into some salamander ruins and through a transportalizer.



Rose: First, be the pony. Second, follow Mom.

Maplehoof: Enter.

Maplehoof: Follow scent.

Maplehoof: Collect grist.

Maplehoof: Proceed.


John: First, be the hat. Second, find dad.








April 23 2010 1737

John makes Hephaestus’s hammer on Rose’s alchemiter and pesters Davesprite about its origin.

Sollux opens Kanaya’s viewport.

Rose wakes up and walks right into John’s gushers prank.

John: Visit Rose's alchemiter.

John: Make item.

John: Shrink it down.

John: Pester Davesprite.

Rose: Check out Dave's computer.



TA: Fix GA's computer.



Rose: Examine laptop.

Rose: Go find John.

Rose: Proceed through door uneventfully.

April 24 2010 1750

John blasts off with Mutini/Meowgon. Rose adopts Casey/Viceroy.

John: Equip trusty rocket.


John: Blast off.



April 25 2010 1755

Lil Cal lands on a rocket board. The Regulator follows him through a transportalizer.

John enters the turtle ruins and uses the transportalizer.

Dave: Be the puppet.




AR?: Follow.

John: Explore.


John: Investigate.

John: Enter.

John: Aggress.

John: Collect spoils.

John: Proceed.

April 26 2010 1767

John enters a laboratory in the Veil. He finds some stuff the guardians left behind and some of the carapacian breeding apparatus.




John: Explore lab.

John: Explore lab further.

John: Who cares, just ride the pony already.


April 27 2010 1774

John dons a lab suit and takes the controls.

The Regulator rides the rocket board out into the veil.

John: But seriously, keep exploring.

John: Put it on.

John: Examine nearby station.

AR?: Resist urge to ride bro's rocket board.

AR?: Pop a fucking wheelie.

April 28 2010 1779

The Courtyard Droll follows the Mistress to Prospit and picks her pocket, taking the White Queen’s ring.


PM?: Prepare to depart for battlefield.





CD?: Pick PM?'s pocket.


PM?: Depart.


April 29 2010 1789

Dream Jade clobbers the Droll and recovers the ring too late to return it to the Mistress.












May 4 2010 1800

Cinematic 35: The Battlefield.

After three kernel hatchings, the Battlefield is a fertile globe on which Prospit and Derse wage total war. Angered when his farm is destroyed, Warweary Villein incites a rebellion of pawns from both sides.

The Mistress lands and discovers the ring is missing. The White King gives her his scepter, but the Hegemonic Brute attacks and knocks it away.

Jack Noir flies to the scene of the rebel army confronting the Black King, slays the King, and takes his crown.

Meanwhile, in a Timeless Expanse...

[S] WV?: Rise up.

May 6 2010 1802

Rose alchemizes sweet loot.

Rose: Alchemize a whole bunch of cool stuff.

Rose: Combine hub and laptop.

Rose: Combine bronzed vacuum and umbrella.

Rose: Combine salamander and eldritch plush.

Rose: Combine ink bottle and Gushers.

Rose: Combine hubtop and hair band.

Rose: Combine magnetic W and bottle of vodka.

Rose: Combine wizard statue and ball of yarn.

Rose: Combine wizard statue and knitting needles.

Rose: Combine knittings and velvet pillow and squiddle shirt

Rose: Combine needlewands and grimoire.



Rose: Aggrieve encroaching malefactors.


May 11 2010 1817

Dream Jade builds up Dave’s house.

Jade: Build.



May 12 2010 1820

Dave alchemizes way sweet loot.

Dave: Wake up and jam.

Dave: Combine sunglasses and iPhone.

Dave: Combine timetables and computer.

Dave: Combine puppet tux + smuppet.

Dave: Combine broken Caledscratch and ruby contraband.

Dave: Preview item with holopad.

Dave: Combine whole Caledscratch and ruby contraband.

Dave: Combine shitty sword and Hella Jeff drawing.

Dave: Combine Snoop Dogg photo and mini A/C and Caledscratch

May 13 2010 1829

Dave alchemizes the sweetest loot.

Dave: Combine skateboard and Hella Jeff drawing.


Dave: Make another one.

Dave: Combine Gamebro Magazine and timetables.

Dave: Combine batarang + Midnight Crew poster.

Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Midnight Crew poster.

Dave: Combine plush puppet tux + Felt poster.

Dave: Combine smuppet and Felt poster.

Dave: Combine dead things in amber && smuppet.

Dave: Combine dead things in amber || smuppet.

Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and Mr. T puppet.


May 14 2010 1841

Dave copies and reads Rose’s notebooks, then marks his place with the juice-stained betas and pesters Rose to find out why she is burning the original.

Dave: Combine camera and captchalogue card.

Dave: Take photo of self.

Dave: Combine fetus in a jar and self portrait photo.

Dave: Captcharoid the hologram of your own brain.

Dave: Combine brain and SBaHJ drawing and captcharoid camera

Dave: Try it out.


Dave: Make copies of Rose's journals.

Dave: Take a look.

Dave: Read it.


Dave: Read Complacency of the Learned.


Dave: Go get a bookmark.


Dave: Check on Rose.

Dave: Pester.

May 16 2010 1858

Davesprite asks Rose what she remembers from the doomed offshoot.

The Draconian Dignitary steals the notebooks. In another offshoot, Dave rewinds time to intercept him. The Dignitary slays that Dave and absconds, leaving the body for main Dave to find.

Davesprite: Also pester.



Dave: Chill with Davesprite.


Dave: Go back in time and stop the thief.

Dave: Throw yourself out the window.

May 19 2010 1865

Using a terminal calibrated by recent visitors to the cloning meteor, John appearifies paradox ghost imprints of Nanna, Grandpa, Bro, and Mom, creating their paradox clones.

Mutie recombines the imprints, cloning their offspring.

Eight babies are born on the cloning pad.

John: Press a button on the control panel.

John: Examine monitor.

John: Zoom in.



John: Press blue button.



John: => SWITCH 4

John: Zoom in.


John: Press blue button.

John: => SWITCH 3

John: Zoom in.


John: Press blue button.

John: => SWITCH 2

John: Zoom in.




John: Press blue button.


John: There's one more button to push.



May 20 2010 1891

John levels up to Ectobiolobabysitter.

John: Scale echeladder.




May 21 2010 1895

Grandpa ferries Mom and Dad to Skaia on a space boat.

Karkat trolls John, revealing the paradox clone babies are John, Rose, Dave, Jade, Nanna, Mom, Bro, and Grandpa’s own past selves.

Navigating the veil nearby...








CG: Troll John.

May 22 2010 1904

The babies attach themselves to various objects around the lab. Karkat trolls John about how they get to Earth.

John: Tend to little pink monkeys.



John: Get trolled by CG again.


May 23 2010 1909

The Regulator discovers a Mystic Meteor in the Veil. Inside he finds an empty lotus time capsule and a console monitoring the Sassacre family. On screen, Baby Grandpa arrives by meteor and shoots the old Colonel with a flintlock pistol.

AR?: Shred.


AR?: Go in.

AR?: Go down.

AR?: Search premises.

AR?: Examine equipment.








AR?: Fast forward.

May 24 2010 1923

The Draconian Dignitary arrives with the notebooks and tosses the juice-stained betas into the lotus seed.

Karkat trolls John about Jack Noir.







John: Get trolled by CG in sane and linear manner.


May 26 2010 1931

Cinematic 36: Con Air Tribute.



[S] John: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.



May 27 2010 1934

Terezi trolls Dave about cool kid blood.


Dave: Get trolled by GC.

May 30 2010 1936

Tavros trolls Jade about naps. Kanaya trolls Rose about roleplay choices. Terezi trolls Dave about exploring his land.

Jade: Get trolled by AT.


Rose: Get trolled by GA.

Dave: Keep getting trolled by GC.

May 31 2010 1940

Cinematic 37: Sovereign Slaughter.

The crow sprite pecks Dave off the antenna tower. Bro slices the meteor in half. Dave lands on Bro’s rocket board. The egg cracks, ushering Dave into the Medium.

Mom and Dad approach Skaia.

Jack, the Sovereign Slayer, massacres the rebels, sparing only the Villein, and devastates the Battlefield with some super deadly red shit.

The babies and their chosen objects—baby John with Sassacre’s text, baby Rose with the original bunny, baby Dave with Maplehoof, baby Jade with the patched bunny, baby Nanna with the soiled hat, baby Mom with Mutie, baby Bro with Lil Cal, and baby Grandpa with a pair of pistols—are transportalized out of the ectobiology lab and onto eight neighbouring meteors.

The Droll fetches the white sceptre and Jack uses it to activate the Reckoning. Meteors from the Veil begin speeding toward Skaia.

In the Mystic Meteor, the Dignitary recombines Halley’s imprint with the Meow code, producing Bec, whose green wrath horrifies the Regulator.

Jack hits Prospit with the red shit, severs Prospit’s chain, and flies to the Beat Mesa on Lohac to duel Bro. Bro stabs the Mesa, partially cracking its surface.

The Squiddles entangle Skipper Plumbthroat in a big tanglebuddy ball.

Dream John, still asleep, plummets to the Battlefield amid the wreckage of Prospit’s moon. Dream Jade throws him to safety and perishes in the collision. Her dreambot explodes, blowing Earth Jade out of her house. Dream John wakes.

Skaia’s defense portals intercept the oncoming meteors, sending them to Earth.

Dave enters his first gate. Rose destroys hers.

A meteor looms over Jade’s island.

[S] Descend.

June 5 2010 1941



June 6 2010 1942

Rose concludes her walkthrough.


June 7 2010 1943

The Villein rends the effigy of Jack and later becomes the Vagabond.

Dream John finds Dream Jade’s body and takes the ring she wore.

Hours in the future...

the recent past is recalled...




June 8 2010 1948

The Mistress slays the Brute, fulfills her bargain with Jack, delivers the green box to Dream John, and later becomes the Mendicant.

Hours in the future...

the recent past is recalled...





June 9 2010 1954

Dream John opens the package, finding letters from Jake and Jade and a robot bunny with legendary weapons. Jack’s intrusion snaps John out of his grief. With his bunnykind specibus, John wields the bunny, countering Jack’s threat.

The Regulator flees from Bec’s wrath and later becomes the Renegade.




dear john,






Hours in the future...

the recent past is recalled...

June 10 2010 1965

The Regulator finds John sleeping in the ectobiology asteroid just as the reckoning launches it at Skaia. He ties John to the rocket board and sends him away to safety.

Jack absconds. Grandpa lands the space boat and recovers and taxidermizes Dream Jade’s body. Mom and Dad disembark.

The White Queen sails through a defense portal and later becomes the Questant.










Hours in the future...

and then years...

June 11 2010 1976

The Questant repairs the cracked egg station. At the Mendicant’s coronation, the Vagabond reveals the ring he has been safeguarding.

We find the fourth wall in the spooky old lab in Jade’s house, flanked by Grandpa’s trophies including the stuffed Jade and Halley.

Recap 2: The Rest of Act 4.

John visits Rose; John fools Kanaya; Rose visits Dave; the guardians meet; John follows; John discovers ectobiology; the Regulator scopes the Mystic Meteor; Rose communes with the Horrorterrors; Dave accepts Terezi’s help; Dave enters; the Droll tails the Mistress; the Battlefield is prototyped; the Kings wield sceptres; the Kings lose their sceptres; John monitors the guardians; John clones the guardians; John clones his friends; Skaia sacrifices Earth; the babies take companions; John dispenses bunnies; the Regulator watches the Sassacre-Crocker family; the Dignitary creates Bec; Mom and Dad reunite; Tavros reveals dreamer mortality; Dream Jade dies; Dream John wakes; Dreambot explodes; Bro cracks the Mesa; Rose perverts her quest; the Exiles recall their exile; Grandpa lands; the Mistress and Jack trade prizes; John opens the box; the bunny repels Jack; the Vagabond reveals the ring.













Recap 2.