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the Acts and Pages of


a guide for fans of
the web adventure

documented by

Rafe Saltman

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art and excerpts
from Homestuck

© 2009-2016

Andrew Hussie

Act 1

Act 2

Act 3


Act 4















Act 7

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4
Intermission thumbnail


Don’t Bleed on the Suits.

Spoilers ahead!

first page 1154, January 15 2010 pages 204
last page 1357, February 9 2010 words in text 7789
recap 1674, April 15 2010 words in media 1208
adventure map checkpoints

Page 3054  Page 3088 Page 3136 Page 3167 Page 3195 Page 3224

the mansion

Spades Slick, Diamonds Droog, Clubs Deuce, and Hearts Boxcars are the Midnight Crew, a quartet of vicious black-shelled mobsters.

The Midnight Crew’s gang war with The Felt and their boss Lord English escalates when Slick and his crewmates break into English’s mansion. They split up and search the house for clocks to break, safes to crack, and green torsos to slay.

The Felt’s fifteen members all have different time-related powers, but they are fatally disorganized. The Midnight Crew exploit their weaknesses and kill them one by one. Soon the only foes left are Snowman, who holds the universe hostage, and Clover and Cans, who are respectively too lucky and too huge to take down.

the vault

Tiring of the fight, Spades Slick goes straight for the big vault. Ignoring a warning from Clover, he pries it open with Crowbar’s crowbar. The vault’s weird time shit backfires on Slick, kicking him into a parallel timeline where things happened differently. The house is a smoking ruin. Everyone else is dead except Snowman, who rips his arm off and locks him inside the vault.

Climbing down through a trapdoor, Slick finds a command station monitoring a troll’s progress in the Medium.

Intermission by date posted
datepagescenes and eventsadventure log
January 15 2010 1154


Silent film 7: English Mansion.

Who is this vicious mobster?


[I] ==>

January 16 2010 1156

Spades Slick starts wrecking clocks.

[I] SS: Inspect timekeeping devices.

[I] SS: Captchalogue carriage clock.

[I] SS: Build fort with clocks.

[I] SS: Check for traps under the billiards rug.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Play 52 pickup.

January 17 2010 1162

Slick consults his vendetta itinerary. His crew is here to kill nearly all of The Felt, including their loathsome boss Lord English.

[I] SS: Open war chest.

[I] SS: Shuffle contents of war chest.

[I] SS: Scavenge war chest for fancy headwear.

[I] SS: Hide inside your war chest.

[I] SS: Start up the Crosbytop.

[I] SS: Go to

[I] SS: Delete the time setting on the crosbytop.

[I] SS: Take the spade key.

[I] SS: Examine vendetta itinerary.

[I] SS: Wonder where the number 8 mugshot went.

[I] SS: Examine heist map.

January 18 2010 1173

Doze’s weird stasis field stumps Clubs Deuce.

[I] SS: Use radio device to check on unscrupulous cohorts.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Enter the hallway near the main entrance.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Be Hearts Boxcars.

[I] CD: Rough him up.

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Punch clocks in faces to establish chronology.

[I] CD: Swap hats with Doze.

[I] CD: Dump the contents of your war chest over him.

[I] CD: Play some solitaire.

January 19 2010 1184

Slick trips and hitches that quick lid-switching son of a bitch Itchy.

[I] CD: Throw the hat down and stomp it mercilessly.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stop being Hearts Boxcars.

[I] SS: Lift left leg and hold it a little ways in the air.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Wear CD's hat on top of your current one.

[I] SS: Wear backup hat.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Be Diamonds Droog.

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Grab the deuce of clubs.

[I] CD: Pick up all of the cards and throw them at Doze.

January 20 2010 1196

Deuce puts a bomb on his head.

Trace aggros Diamonds Droog from the future.

[I] CD: Pick a card, any card.

[I] CD: Pick up card depicting stately blonde-haired fellows

[I] CD: Forget you are CD. Believe you are Hearts Boxcars.

[I] DD: Wear backup hat.

[I] DD: Retrieve hat from brawlsoleum.

[I] DD: Withdraw licorice fish from backup hat.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Resume pursuit of wounded felt member.

[I] DD: Follow trail of blood up the stairs.

[I] CD: Follow Diamonds Droog's instructions.

[I] CD: Just lock Doze in the battledrobe.

[I] ==>

January 21 2010 1210

Die jumps out of the frying pan timeline and into the fire timeline—twice!

[I] Meanwhile, running roughly parallel with present events.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Make friends with Die.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Stop being SS.

[I] HB: Do a silly dance.

[I] HB: Pry the wall from the safe.

[I] HB: Deploy PUNCHBOX.

January 22 2010 1220

Eggs and Biscuits team up on Hearts Boxcars.

Trace crosses Deuce’s trace.

Fin tails Droog from the past. Being shot by Droog betrays his position, allowing Droog to shoot him.

[I] HB: Retrieve two of hearts from backup hat.

[I] HB: Peruse Red Cheeks magazine.

[I] HB: Call Clubs on nearest card.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] CD: Follow path.

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Take a good look around the new room you're in.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 23 2010 1235

Slick helps Die die.

Deuce helps Trace trace.

¡Adiós, Tres y Dos!

[I] SS: Rematerialize.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Help the green man live up to his name.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Take voodoo doll.

[I] SS: Clocks. Destroy them.

[I] DD: Follow blood trail downstairs and finish him off.

[I] SS: Return to being Hearts Boxcars.

[I] CD: Implement nefarious scheme.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 24 2010 1248

Deuce and Fin follow each other’s trails.

[I] CD: Follow the red-blood road.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 25 2010 1251

Boxcars calls for backup.

C’est la fin pour Fin.

[I] HB: Waste exactly four hours on this tomfoolery.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Call Spades for backup.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 26 2010 1258

Droog gets the drop on Stitch.

[I] CD: Burst in thrusting bull penis cane.

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Sneak into Stitch's boutique.

[I] ==>

January 27 2010 1262

Slick jumps to a timeline where Crowbar is alive.

[I] HB: Prod idiots with Red Cheeks.

[I] SS: Remove Crowbar's pin.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 28 2010 1266

Cinematic 30: Snowman.

Snowman comes and goes, leaving a souvenir for Slick.

[I] SS: Insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin.

[S][I] ==>

[I] ==>

January 29 2010 1269

Slick wounds and rewounds Sawbuck. Time around Sawbuck is wound and rewound.

[I] SS: Remove knife from eye.

[I] SS: Give it to Sawbuck.

[I] SS: Kill something out of rage and frustration.

[I] SS: Bring knives to the gunfight.

[I] SS: Occam's Razor. Crowbar's head. Make it hapen.

January 30 2010 1274

Slick brings Crowbar and Sawbuck back to the timeline where Crowbar is dead. Wounding Sawbuck a fourth time sends them all back to a time when the native Sawbuck was present. Slick incites friendly fire between Crowbar and the native Sawbuck, whisking the two off to another time.

[I] Years in the past...

[I] SS: Hit Crowbar in the head.

[I] SS: Stuff him in your deck of cards.

[I] SS: Just go stab Sawbuck until the time shenanigans stop

[I] SS: Carry Sawbuck like Titan Atlas would carry the world

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stick Crowbar's pin back in again.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 1 2010 1284

Slick stabs the exogenous Sawbuck willy-nilly through time. The exogenous Crowbar and native Sawbuck reappear. Slick treats all three of their heads to the second best rapier-off in the history of Paradox Space.

[I] SS: Take a moment to think up some time-based one-liners

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Stab first, utter puns later.

[I] ==>

[I] PSS: Remove Crowbar's pin.

[I] PSS: Be Future Spades Slick.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Quickly remove lance from Sawbuck.

[I] SS: Knock Sawbuck unconscious.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 2 2010 1298

Stitch sews up Slick’s wound.

[I] DD: Call Spades.

[I] DD: Have Stitch patch up SS's effigy.

[I] SS: Have right eye patched up.

[I] ==>

February 3 2010 1302

Slick horses around.

Snowman comes and goes.

[I] SS: Arm yourself, in case Cans shows up.

[I] SS: Ride around on horse hitcher pretending to joust.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 4 2010 1307

A Slick in time slays 9.

[I] DD: Shoot up biscuit and eggs's effigies.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>


[I] ==>

February 5 2010 1312

Slick breaks Eggs’s timer.

Boxcars eats Eggs.

Deuce bakes Biscuits.

[I] SS: Start whacking things with the crowbar.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Attempt to eat Eggs.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Crowbar. Biscuits' oven. Make it hapen.

[I] CD: Put dynamite in oven.

[I] CD: Turn up heat on Biscuit's oven.

[I] ==>

February 6 2010 1322

Clover riddles the scofflaws about the safe, safe in the knowledge that he cannot be riddled back. Not with bullets, anyway.

[I] SS: Use crowbar to pry the safe open.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Politely ask Clover to remain calm.

[I] DD: Ask Clover for the ultimate riddle.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 7 2010 1328

Cans bursts in and punches Droog and Boxcars into other temporal strata.

[I] DD: Check personal ads of periodical.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] DD: Resist urge to shout "Oh Yeah!"

[I] ==>

[I] HB: Use Eggs' body as bait for Cans.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 8 2010 1336

Breaking the vault with Crowbar’s crowbar knocks Slick into an alternate timeline. Everyone is gone and everything is in ruins.

Slick enters the vault.

Snowman comes and goes, taking a souvenir from Slick.

[I] SS: Ignore him and just pry the safe open.

[I] ==>

[I] SS: Enter the vault.

[I] SS: Dramatically use the spade key.

[I] SS: Peek inside keyhole.

[I] SS: Use rules card for blackjack.

[I] SS: Get on with it.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

February 9 2010 1349

Slick finds himself in a command station monitoring Karkat’s progress.


[I] SS: Flip your sprite.

[I] SS: Scan the barcode.

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] ==>

[I] yeah you

[I] ==>